Connections and Prayer

(Trying to connect my life in Czech Republic, my current life in America and those I love currently living in Czech Republic.)

Wondering about remembering, I can now remember more clearly, more precisely, more poignantly (good word!), the pain of being away, the pain of living where things are harder, the pain of missing what was once home and familiar. And wondering what is my responsibility with this memory? Should I feel guilty for not being there anymore, for having a life that feels easier? I do feel a bit guilty for having a less stressful life this year compared to what was mine last year and what is still new and adjusting for some. But what? Should I throw that away or hold onto the guilt? I feel like I do have some responsibility to those I visited last week to keep the memory of the hardships alive and real in my mind. I prayed on the plane as I found my seat and got settled that I would remember them and remember the hardness to at least be able to pray for them in a more real way. I don't know what to call it, maybe empathetic prayer, maybe, but I think that if there are varying degrees of effective prayer that empathetic prayer would be maybe the most effective.

But I also feel grateful for this year so far, I feel like I need a break I feel like I deserve this break after the intense stress of last year, I'’m hoping that the gentleness of this year will continue but that also at some point I'’ll stop being afraid of hardships. I feel like the victim of something, or someone who is shell shocked, remembering aspects of last year is like remembering an attack and hoping it won'’t happen again but being so afraid it will. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm not exaggerating.

I want to continue learning from God and growing, I pray that I can let go of this fear to begin with.

Fear, things I do

I want to continue learning from God and growing, I pray that I can let go of this fear to begin with.
fear of hardship
fear of stress and feeling overwhelmed by it
fear of being unequipped
fear of being directionless
fear of amounting to nothing
fear that my greatest accomplishment(s) has/have already happened
fear of being old and alone, dying alone

Really unfunny overheard line

I heard this about 5 years ago.

Woman #1: I just ran into my college boyfriend and he has a retarded daughter. That's not PC is it? It made me so glad I didn't marry him, though.

Woman #2: -(blank stare)-

What have YOU overheard lately?

Jessica's blog pointed me in the direction of this site:
http://overheardlines.blogspot.com/

and it's at least sometimes amusing.

But makes me realize how my chances for overhearing things are reduced by not living in a big city. I actually do take public transportation a bit here in America, in S.B., but not as much as I did in S.F. or Praha.

And that reminds me of city smells, you'd think my exposure to city smells would be eliminated, but not so. Only reduced. Places I might have exposure (in order of likelihood):
1) public library
2) bus
3)downtown

Where are they now...?

I spent about 8 days in Prague, and when I visited the Nad Aleji flat I kept thinking about the people who have lived there in the last few years, especially the girls who lived there my first and second years.

I miss Carol. Where is she?

50th post

5 more days until I board a flight to one of my favorite places in the world. Yay!

I realized today that I spend way too much time looking forward to something.
Most of last year I was just kind of enduring the year and waiting, looking forward to the end of the year and what might be next. I am really enjoying my job for the most part and there are some nice things about being here right now, but I just feel like there's something missing. I've been looking forward to this trip but it'll be over soon and I'll feel the let down. Am I being too analytical and introspective? I don't feel like I can express clearly what I'm thinking, but I would like to stop feeling restless.
I feel like as Christians we are meant to learn patience in an overwhelming way, learn a patience that overflows into every aspect of our lives.

but HOW can I just be ok with what is this moment? I can do that easily enough at work when I'm busy, but other times I just feel like there's something missing. Like there's something I'm supposed to figure out but haven't yet, something that is being shouted to me, and I just can't hear it somehow.

I know that God wants me to learn patience and to trust Him, and I feel that I'm especially supposed to be learning these lessons this year. I was able to be more trusting and patient earlier this fall but I guess maybe I'm feeling more restless than normal right now but I'm not sure why.

Argh! Too much thinking...

IRONY, for a day

I remember being, um some age, maybe 11? and I was in the car with my mom and a friend of mine and my friend had had a bad day and I was telling her that she would probably have a good day in a day or two based on my theory that our good days and bad days balance each other out more or less. My theory has been revised...
but I still comfort myself with the thought that when things are bad they will get better eventually.

The irony referred to in the title is that the day after I wrote my previous post I came home from work and cried in my room for awhile. My day hadn't been so terrible, but I was exhausted and some things had happened that left me feeling really stressed. This week I worked two particularly long days, one was 9 and a half hours and the next day was 10, crazy. But I have been enjoying my job and have felt a bit more appreciated than at first. I have definitely been kept busy, I have a lot of variety and I like that, I also like getting my first pay check but I went shopping today and spent more than I planned to, but I LOVE love LOVE my new (travel) purse with all it's pockets and hidden compartments and great size, what would make it a perfect purse? a divider in the big main compartment. Only 33 bucks. I think that's the most I've ever spent on a purse, but it doesn't seem that much in consideration of the smart design and good quality.

It's SICK (in a bad way) that people spend thousands, five thousand+, on purses. freakin nutty people.
...

And while I am still on my health and fitness kick (which started about a month ago) my focus has turned to stretching (but not yoga) and I bought this great book on stretching published by DK publishers, which you know means GREAT pictures. I always get such stress in my neck and shoulders and my back has pain from stress and posture and my bed, people always tell me I need to get into stretching more. So here I'm finally trying.

God knows what's going on with me, with all of us and He knows the Right timing. I forget my timing is actually NOT perfect. Now has been the right time for me to finally realize the importance of daily excercise (sp?), why didn't I realize it when I had that fitness class freshmen year in college?
God shaped me into who I am today and He knows who I will be and need to be in a year from now. I think I know what He has prepared for my near future, but I still wonder if I'm wrong.

I'm grateful, in a weird way, that God has allowed me to continue to see ways I am not perfect. I was afraid that I would come back to the U.S. and stop growing (and become numb to my imperfections), but that hasn't happened yet. Right now I'm frustrated with my lack of listening skills, self centeredness and my inabilty to deal well with others' sadness.

Happy November!