I want to be fluent in Spanish
I want to teach your children
I want to teach children who "don't have a voice". I want to be their voice. I thought this meant special education. But I'm starting to feel like that direction is not really my choice. Like I'm supposed to go that way but I don't want to, not really. I enjoy it but it doesn't excite me.
I want to work with kids learning English, and all kinds of kids in an inclusive classroom. I think there's so much I learned in my masters program that I wish would be general knowledge. I don't believe the last year has been a waste of time. And I'm not totally branching off in another direction, I'm embracing the freedom I have to follow my passion. But I also think that an inclusive classroom is what school would look like in heaven, if there were such a thing. Ideally inclusive classrooms are loving, accepting, forgiving, and see the children on an equal footing no matter their abilities, or "handi-capableness"
I want to say so long to the fears that sometimes tug at me, pulling me back from the things that I want. Those fears tell me I'm not good enough and that I'll be rejected. In my head I know you aren't really living if you are letting fear direct you away from the risks you might actially like to make. Living in fear, avoiding risks, is NOT really living. We know this. According to Neil T Anderson, every phobia can be simmered down to three things. Fear of man (like fear of rejection), fear of death (like claustrophobia), and fear of Satan (the belief that Satan is stronger than God).
I want to embrace the Freedom I have in Christ and stop being my own worst critic.
27 September 2009
21 September 2009
Plans
I'm wondering if I just don't know what I want, or if I actually don't want what I thought I wanted.
You seem to have a better idea about these things and I envy that, even though I know you are capable of just as much angst and unrequitedness.
Maybe you will get what you want someday. I hope that you will, and that you'll be surprised.
Sometimes I think the ones who are truly better than the rest of us are those who have no idea. I think that you are, and probably don't.
You seem to have a better idea about these things and I envy that, even though I know you are capable of just as much angst and unrequitedness.
Maybe you will get what you want someday. I hope that you will, and that you'll be surprised.
Sometimes I think the ones who are truly better than the rest of us are those who have no idea. I think that you are, and probably don't.
Thoughts on healing broken hearts and old wounds
I wonder if I'll ever stop being jealous of your relationship with your father.
I have friends who have great relationships with their fathers. I have friends who have adequate relationships with their fathers. I have friends who dont ever mention their father but only speak of their mothers, although their mother is still married to their father. But sometimes I get jealous when I hear how a friend's father was selfless and loving and actually listened to their child.
I never had that, and I never will. I mean I can't get back what I've already missed. As I've been in therapy I've been able to speak up, assert myself and put words to the hurt that my father is responsible for. And I think my father in very recent months has started to actually listen. But I have let go of the hope that he will ever take responsibility or admit wrong doing. I once hoped that that would alleviate all the built up hurt, if only he would say sorry. But I have stopped holding on to that as the catalyst to forgive.
I can forgive (for me this means to let go of the anger not to say that my father is innocent) even if no one says sorry.
But my only hope to move on is to forgive and let go of the anger, the painful part is that I have to do it over and over again, because letting go of a lifetime of hurt and dissappointment takes more than 20 minutes or a couple of days.
The dissapointment is what continues to shape my relationships with the opposite sex and it contributes to an enlargement of any and all dissapointment, it feels bigger than it should.
Even if I am holding my hopes lightly, I get pissed that I had hope or expectation and all the dissapointments from the past come back and are added to the current dissapointment.
Learning how to step out of the suit of armor to face my fears is one thing and learning how to cope with dissapointment is another. Feeling like all I am is wounds sometimes and walking wounded, that's what holds me back from getting to know you.
I can only hope that if I get married and have a child my husband will love our children in the selfless way that my father never did. That is such a beautiful thought, a picture of redemption.
I have friends who have great relationships with their fathers. I have friends who have adequate relationships with their fathers. I have friends who dont ever mention their father but only speak of their mothers, although their mother is still married to their father. But sometimes I get jealous when I hear how a friend's father was selfless and loving and actually listened to their child.
I never had that, and I never will. I mean I can't get back what I've already missed. As I've been in therapy I've been able to speak up, assert myself and put words to the hurt that my father is responsible for. And I think my father in very recent months has started to actually listen. But I have let go of the hope that he will ever take responsibility or admit wrong doing. I once hoped that that would alleviate all the built up hurt, if only he would say sorry. But I have stopped holding on to that as the catalyst to forgive.
I can forgive (for me this means to let go of the anger not to say that my father is innocent) even if no one says sorry.
But my only hope to move on is to forgive and let go of the anger, the painful part is that I have to do it over and over again, because letting go of a lifetime of hurt and dissappointment takes more than 20 minutes or a couple of days.
The dissapointment is what continues to shape my relationships with the opposite sex and it contributes to an enlargement of any and all dissapointment, it feels bigger than it should.
Even if I am holding my hopes lightly, I get pissed that I had hope or expectation and all the dissapointments from the past come back and are added to the current dissapointment.
Learning how to step out of the suit of armor to face my fears is one thing and learning how to cope with dissapointment is another. Feeling like all I am is wounds sometimes and walking wounded, that's what holds me back from getting to know you.
I can only hope that if I get married and have a child my husband will love our children in the selfless way that my father never did. That is such a beautiful thought, a picture of redemption.
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