It's okay that I'm not perfect, I think.

It's ok that I'm not perfect. It's ok that I'm uncertain about some things. It'll work out eventually. It doesn't need to be perfect, because it can't possibly be perfect, ever. I need to accept my own imperfections and the imperfections in others. I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I expect too much of myself and I will always disappoint myself if that continues. "I spend most of my time beating myself up": that's my new theme music.

I think I've had this hope that since many areas of my life were really difficult (stressful and depressing mostly) up until around age 18 that my later life would be much much happier. Like "ok have a little of this dog-crap for awhile then you'll get some of that honey-cake later". I've also believed that would happen because I've experienced it in small doses already. Like a reward, "you've gone through shit!, but here's the plan I had for you all along..."

Or like the story of Joseph and his brothers, his brothers throw him in a dry well, sell him into slavery, he ends up working for this guy, the wife tries to seduce him, when he rejects her she accuses him of rape throws him into jail, he sits in jail for years, interprets a couple dreams, is finally freed to work for the king, works his way up, eventually is put in charge of organizing food during a drought/massive food shortage thing and God turned something evil (his brothers attacking him, almost killing him, changing their minds and selling him into slavery) into good. When Joseph is eventually reunited with his brothers he tells them he forgives them and that they intended their actions for evil but God turned into good. I also believe this to be true in our everday lives.

Anything bad can be turned into a good thing. It can be hard to see or believe but it happens.
My 2004-2005 year was really hard, the stress sprouted my first grey hair. That was really the hardest year of my life and I'm still struggling to find the good, the lesson, the healing, the redemption, I'm just now starting to not be mad at God about it anymore. So in the area of that year I'm still looking for good, so I can totally understand any skepticism. But I also believe that the one true God loves us and wants good for all of us.

You thought you were the only one

"I spend most of my time, beating my self up.
I bet you thought you were the only one."

Moment of Crisis part dos

Unfortunately I know some of my baggage is from dad constantly making promises and never following through. It's not fun being 7 and waiting for 2 hours for my dad to come pick me up and him never showing up, or calling. Or being 17 and that still happening. I love my dad a lot but he has hurt me a lot over the years. That doesn't give me excuses for my behavior but I think it is helpful to realize where certain tendencies come from. My opinion is that we all need therapy. If you can introduce me to someone who doesn't need therapy, I'll introduce that same person as being in denial. It takes strength, not weakness, to admit we need therapy. I still need to find a therapist here in Portland that was as helpful as my therapist in Santa Barbara. Too much information?

Moment of Crisis

I'm in this situation where possibly my looks and personality have gained me a friend but my fear seems to have caused the loss of that potential friend and I think I'll be alone forever if I can't figure out how to conquer this fear. Fight or flight? I seem to choose flight everytime. Especially when it's a bit unclear how the other person feels. Or even in spite of that. I just always think they will leave eventually so I might as well run first. I blame my father but I don't know what to do with this. How to rebuild once I understand where the ruins came from?

A facebook update

P. is angry that her strongest motivator is fear and the avoidance of disappointment.

Music

Do you remember going through a phase when you liked a certain type of music? Junior year in college I decided I liked country music. What?! What was wrong with me? Most women out there will say immediately, Oh! you liked a country loving boy. As soon as that situation was over I was like ack, what am I thinking? I changed my radio walkman from being tuned to the country station.

Well, today, I still can't quite like Tom Waits type music. Gravelly or low fi is just not my flavor. Sorry. I can still be influenced musically. Why else did I buy a Ben Gibbard album last year? I still like it but it seems kinda too depressing now.

Our music tastes seem to reflect a lot about us, but I believe it is possible to get along with someone who shares different tastes. I've seen it over and over in relationships around me.



I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
painting faces, building places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody...
you know that I could use somebody...

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

I want to...

I want to be fluent in Spanish

I want to teach your children

I want to teach children who "don't have a voice". I want to be their voice. I thought this meant special education. But I'm starting to feel like that direction is not really my choice. Like I'm supposed to go that way but I don't want to, not really. I enjoy it but it doesn't excite me.

I want to work with kids learning English, and all kinds of kids in an inclusive classroom. I think there's so much I learned in my masters program that I wish would be general knowledge. I don't believe the last year has been a waste of time. And I'm not totally branching off in another direction, I'm embracing the freedom I have to follow my passion. But I also think that an inclusive classroom is what school would look like in heaven, if there were such a thing. Ideally inclusive classrooms are loving, accepting, forgiving, and see the children on an equal footing no matter their abilities, or "handi-capableness"

I want to say so long to the fears that sometimes tug at me, pulling me back from the things that I want. Those fears tell me I'm not good enough and that I'll be rejected. In my head I know you aren't really living if you are letting fear direct you away from the risks you might actially like to make. Living in fear, avoiding risks, is NOT really living. We know this. According to Neil T Anderson, every phobia can be simmered down to three things. Fear of man (like fear of rejection), fear of death (like claustrophobia), and fear of Satan (the belief that Satan is stronger than God).

I want to embrace the Freedom I have in Christ and stop being my own worst critic.

Plans

I'm wondering if I just don't know what I want, or if I actually don't want what I thought I wanted.

You seem to have a better idea about these things and I envy that, even though I know you are capable of just as much angst and unrequitedness.

Maybe you will get what you want someday. I hope that you will, and that you'll be surprised.

Sometimes I think the ones who are truly better than the rest of us are those who have no idea. I think that you are, and probably don't.

Thoughts on healing broken hearts and old wounds

I wonder if I'll ever stop being jealous of your relationship with your father.


I have friends who have great relationships with their fathers. I have friends who have adequate relationships with their fathers. I have friends who dont ever mention their father but only speak of their mothers, although their mother is still married to their father. But sometimes I get jealous when I hear how a friend's father was selfless and loving and actually listened to their child.

I never had that, and I never will. I mean I can't get back what I've already missed. As I've been in therapy I've been able to speak up, assert myself and put words to the hurt that my father is responsible for. And I think my father in very recent months has started to actually listen. But I have let go of the hope that he will ever take responsibility or admit wrong doing. I once hoped that that would alleviate all the built up hurt, if only he would say sorry. But I have stopped holding on to that as the catalyst to forgive.

I can forgive (for me this means to let go of the anger not to say that my father is innocent) even if no one says sorry.
But my only hope to move on is to forgive and let go of the anger, the painful part is that I have to do it over and over again, because letting go of a lifetime of hurt and dissappointment takes more than 20 minutes or a couple of days.

The dissapointment is what continues to shape my relationships with the opposite sex and it contributes to an enlargement of any and all dissapointment, it feels bigger than it should.

Even if I am holding my hopes lightly, I get pissed that I had hope or expectation and all the dissapointments from the past come back and are added to the current dissapointment.

Learning how to step out of the suit of armor to face my fears is one thing and learning how to cope with dissapointment is another. Feeling like all I am is wounds sometimes and walking wounded, that's what holds me back from getting to know you.

I can only hope that if I get married and have a child my husband will love our children in the selfless way that my father never did. That is such a beautiful thought, a picture of redemption.

I'm coming back to this soon. Believe you me. I've been busy with school, busy with juggling finances toward the end of each quarter as my loan payment dwindled down. It's like I'm on glorified welfare. True that yo.
But I digress. I need some kind of focus to blog/ journal about and it's not easy for me to filter myself especially when I'm stressed or tired and anway that is neither here nor there

I think though that although I could have been writing about my adjustment to living here in the NW, well it's been pretty smooth in a lot of ways.
But now I'm packing up again to move in with a family from church in a few weeks. So there's that and I'll be looking for a job for the fall and may not find one so I may need to stay in school. This should be interesting. Plus I'll talk about God because He loves me!