It's okay that I'm not perfect, I think.

It's ok that I'm not perfect. It's ok that I'm uncertain about some things. It'll work out eventually. It doesn't need to be perfect, because it can't possibly be perfect, ever. I need to accept my own imperfections and the imperfections in others. I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I expect too much of myself and I will always disappoint myself if that continues. "I spend most of my time beating myself up": that's my new theme music.

I think I've had this hope that since many areas of my life were really difficult (stressful and depressing mostly) up until around age 18 that my later life would be much much happier. Like "ok have a little of this dog-crap for awhile then you'll get some of that honey-cake later". I've also believed that would happen because I've experienced it in small doses already. Like a reward, "you've gone through shit!, but here's the plan I had for you all along..."

Or like the story of Joseph and his brothers, his brothers throw him in a dry well, sell him into slavery, he ends up working for this guy, the wife tries to seduce him, when he rejects her she accuses him of rape throws him into jail, he sits in jail for years, interprets a couple dreams, is finally freed to work for the king, works his way up, eventually is put in charge of organizing food during a drought/massive food shortage thing and God turned something evil (his brothers attacking him, almost killing him, changing their minds and selling him into slavery) into good. When Joseph is eventually reunited with his brothers he tells them he forgives them and that they intended their actions for evil but God turned into good. I also believe this to be true in our everday lives.

Anything bad can be turned into a good thing. It can be hard to see or believe but it happens.
My 2004-2005 year was really hard, the stress sprouted my first grey hair. That was really the hardest year of my life and I'm still struggling to find the good, the lesson, the healing, the redemption, I'm just now starting to not be mad at God about it anymore. So in the area of that year I'm still looking for good, so I can totally understand any skepticism. But I also believe that the one true God loves us and wants good for all of us.

Moment of Crisis part dos

Unfortunately I know some of my baggage is from dad constantly making promises and never following through. It's not fun being 7 and waiting for 2 hours for my dad to come pick me up and him never showing up, or calling. Or being 17 and that still happening. I love my dad a lot but he has hurt me a lot over the years. That doesn't give me excuses for my behavior but I think it is helpful to realize where certain tendencies come from. My opinion is that we all need therapy. If you can introduce me to someone who doesn't need therapy, I'll introduce that same person as being in denial. It takes strength, not weakness, to admit we need therapy. I still need to find a therapist here in Portland that was as helpful as my therapist in Santa Barbara. Too much information?

GOD is GOOD

I've just been feeling thankful lately and being reminded that GOD IS GOOD! And God is faithful.

My last year living overseas (2004-2005) was a particularly difficult year because I had basically decided to go back for another year although I had felt very clearly before that that was NOT what I was supposed to do. But instead of making the situation worse than it already was and leaving when life was lonely and difficult I stuck to the commitment I'd made and stayed until the end of the school year.

So I didn't exactly have it easy, and then there were some pretty big stresses at my work back in the States, I was working with kids which was fun mostly but when I had a repeated change in bosses (4 different people in less than 6 months) I had a few words with God. I was like God I need a break from lessons and hardships, I can't absorb anything more. I know you have lots more lessons to teach me, but I can't handle that right now, please give me a bit of a break.

So now it's been about a year, maybe two, that I prayed that and I'm finally ready to again go on that archaeological dig I call me. I mean I'm ready to dig down and ask for help in becoming more of who I'm supposed to be, I'm ready to learn some more of God's lessons.

So lately my focus has been on some F-words. Three F-words in fact, here they are:
Friendly
Faithful
Flexible

I want to be more of these. I want to be more friendly (I feel like I need God to help me be less judgmental and less introverted for this to happen, as well as my own foot-work in this).
I want to be more faithful. I am ye of little faith. I sometimes don't trust God in the little things and I don't trust God that I'll have good things. Sometimes I'm just not as trusting as I'd like to be.
And I'd like to be more flexible, this will help me not get into stupid little arguments and help me to avoid feeling annoyed at things that aren't worth the trouble.

Anyway here's a song I like, the song I was trying to remember a few posts back.


Faithful
Ben and Robin Pasley

I want to sing you a love song, you are the thief of my heart
Rhythm and rhyme try to describe it
no matter how hard I try...I can’t hide it

Faithful, you are faithful
I have found nothing but good in your heart
Loving, you are loving
(because of copyright laws this is not the full song)

I enjoy job interviews

So like I said the job interview last Thursday went well, then I didn't hear anything on Friday and waiting all weekend I started thinking ok maybe I won't get this job, that's ok. Then mid-morning Monday I got a call from a woman from the school district hiring office and she offered me a job at a local junior high.
So I got the job!!

But I inquired wether it would be possible to get a different placement (it's a school that's a little difficult to get to) and she said she would have to get back to me. Then I got a message on my cell at 8pm that night that she was working in it and would get back to me.

So I have the job but it's still kind of up in the air as far as where I'll be placed and when I'll start. I'm still working at my other job so it's kind of crazy having things up in the air.
But I guess having balls up in the air is better than having no balls at all, haha!! better than having no guts too.